Alcohol had conquered. Death seemed near. Under
the pressure of necessity I thrust myself into recovery. I
found myself at the feet of my maker. I was naked and
without hope. His presence was vast. His nearness
was far. I had failed. I had turned my back on all that
was good and strapped myself to the soothing effects
that alcohol so mercilessly delivered. Purpose was no
longer a part of my existence. I examined my naked
body and was shocked by the scars that years of alcohol
abuse had produced.
I may not have been responsible for the insanity of my
indulgence but the responsibility to seek help rested
solely on my shoulders for many years. My pain created
anger. My anger was directed at those who loved
me most. I abused more than just the bottle. My words
were sharp and carried with them permanent sting.
Deep within the dim caverns of my mind were thoughts
of death. A death designed to take with it the constant
desire for the drink. I had passed life by. I had turned
my back on love. I had urinated on intelligence and opportunity.
My pride ran deep while fear ran wild. My
drive was powered by the proof on each label. I tried
to flee and traveled hundreds of miles, but you would
always find me. You were unable to ease the pain from
childhood trauma. I saw in you everything I wanted to
be and then I failed to become. Failing miserably had
become the norm.
Live not by faith or the dreams within but by the desire
to drink. This was my life for a long, long time. I was
always laughing but unable to smile. Overwhelming
emotion failed to produce tears. I followed your commands
for you controlled me. Financial gain belonged
to you. You provided me with friends although I never
experienced true friendship. You limited my belongings
and dictated where my surroundings would be.
Trapped in an endless stream of booze, I no longer
know who I am. I doubt that I ever did. All I know is
how disgusting you make me feel the majority of my
waking moments. I allow you to do things to me that
will forever alter my existence. I have been broadsided
by your recklessness and insensitive abandon. I lie,
cheat and steal all in your honor. Fear and anger are my
constant companions. I reside in such a drunken state
that spiritual growth is nearly impossible. Two steps
backwards is how I have lived since we first met.
If I drink to forget why can’t I remember? If I drink to
ease the pain why am I always hurting? If mornings remorse
isn’t enough to make me quit, what is? If I take
a look in the mirror who will I see? Is it possible to
love myself as much as I love alcohol? Does sanity exist
within an alcoholic?
I walk the earth with a pale tone. My demeanor is sluggish.
I’ll never be the person God created me to be for
the simple reason that I allowed alcohol to get in the
way. When life tried to harden me I softened and allowed
booze to take control. When I think about that
I become sad. And it is that sadness along with the
grace of God that motivates me to share with others.
To talk openly about where I have been and where I
am now. I’m good now and all I need are more of you
along side of me. Sober and sharing too!